


i've got a secret

by skz_jpeg



Series: changlix baby~ [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, angsty af lol soz, but chan is in it more other than changlix, they're all in it technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 08:37:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13520583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skz_jpeg/pseuds/skz_jpeg
Summary: “I’m gay.” He finally said it. He finally told someone. He felt Chan’s hand stutter on his shoulders before it continued.“Okay. Is that what made you so stressed?” He took another deep breath and felt a sort of panic raise within him.“It still is making me stressed! I can’t be like this here! I feel like I can’t tell anyone ‘cause if I do, they’ll hate me! My members will hate me! I like someone…..I like someone and he’ll hate me.”





	i've got a secret

**Author's Note:**

> yooo okay so I want this to be a continuous series of changlix fluff/angst stories that are all in the same universe ya feel. not all of them will have a real plot but yeah
> 
> also, sorry for the heeellllaaaa angst. i'm a drama queen sometimes lol
> 
> also also, i'm notorious for skipping words or writing them wrong and even if i check over it, i miss it so like...don't make fun of me pls

Felix has never really told anybody. It’s not really that he was trying to hide it, it just never came up. But when he found himself forming a crush on one of his bandmates he realized that no one knew. Not even Chan. 

Felix was painstakingly gay in a country where it wasn’t exactly acceptable. He’s heard of stories of idols or trainees getting ostracized just for that reason. He feels like he can’t tell anybody now. These thoughts run through his head constantly if he’s quiet for too long, if he just sits and looks over his team. He thinks about it when he’s trying to sleep at night, when he’s in the shower, when he’s in the van, when he’s sitting across his crush as they all eat together. If anybody asks him why he’s so quiet, he jokes about struggling to keep up with the conversation and they say they’ll try to use words he knew more often but really, he’s just not paying attention. He’s trying to not let the anxiety eat him up alive.

Chan always notices. Felix thanks him internally for never saying anything on the spot but when Chan manages to get him alone, he doesn’t hold back on trying to understand why Felix is so down these days. Felix swears everything is okay and it’s just the stress of trying to get ready for his debut what with the dance practices, remembering song lyrics, and trying to practice his Korean. Most of the time, Chan is able to let it go but when he finds Felix way too into his head, he knew he can’t let it go this time.

Chan once more manages to get Felix by himself or more of forces Felix into his room while Changbin was distracted with the other members.

“Okay, Felix,” Chan starts. He decided to speak to him in English thinking that maybe that’ll allow Felix to open up more in a language he’s more comfortable speaking in. “Something’s bothering you, yeah? Don’t tell me it’s practice or you stressing about studying Korean. It’s not that. You’ve been doing all of this before and it’s never got you to look so down.” Felix stared at his fingers, refusing to look at Chan in fear that he’ll burst into tears. Felix is an easy crier. Everyone knows that.

“Talk to me, man. We’re all family now, yeah? How do I know that you can rely on me a few years down the line when you can’t even speak to me now?” Chan tried the guilt tactic this time around. Guilt usually works on Felix and it made him feel a bit bad but if it made him talk, he’ll do it.

“I just…” Felix’s voice has never sounded so small. Chan could see and hear Felix’s breath start to skip as he tried to hold back tears.

“If you need to cry, you can. It’s not good to hold it in, bro.” Chan rubbed a hand across Felix’s shoulders.

“I…I have a secret….it’s….I think it’s bad..” Felix continued to try and hold back tears as his voice wavered.

“What is it, Felix?” Chan began to worry even more than before.

“I…” Felix sighed heavily and looked off to the side. He saw both Chan and Changbin’s things around the room. He saw Changbin’s Munchlax on the shelf across the room. He focused on it to try and continue speaking.

“I’m gay.” He finally said it. He finally told someone. He felt Chan’s hand stutter on his shoulders before it continued.

“Okay. Is that what made you so stressed?” He took another deep breath and felt a sort of panic raise within him.

“It still is making me stressed! I can’t be like this here! I feel like I can’t tell anyone ‘cause if I do, they’ll hate me! My members will hate me! I like someone…..I like someone and he’ll hate me.” Felix let the tears fall down and broke down on Chan’s shoulder. Chan took it all in and felt his heart sink. This is much deeper than he thought it would be. Actually, it’s not at all what he thought it would be but as Felix sobbed onto his shoulder, he tried thinking of what he should say. Chan had an inkling on who Felix was crushing on but he didn’t want to bring that up.

“Felix-“ Chan started but just then the door opened.

“Hey, I heard yelling. Is…is he okay? Felix?” Changbin started walking into the room. Felix’s head was facing away from the door but he tried to move his face even more away from Changbin’s view.

“Changbin, I need to talk to him. Can you please go back outside? Tell the members to not come in either, please.” Chan could see the concern and confusion in his face but walked out wordlessly anyways, sparing one more glance at the back of Felix’s head before he closed the door.

“Felix, look at me.” Felix rubbed harshly at his eyes before looking at Chan. Everything he saw him crying, Chan’s heart breaks. His eyes would be swollen and red and he’d look like he just wants someone to help him fix things. But Chan’s not sure there’s anything to fix.

“I don’t want you to stress about this but I know that’s easier said than done.” Chan chuckled humorlessly. Felix nodded and wiped at his cheeks some more. “If you want, we can tell them…one by one…maybe ask them first what they think about the idea first or we can not tell anyone but Felix if this is who you are, you can’t hide it from the people closest to you.” Felix wished it were that easy to tell anyone. It’s a miracle he managed to even tell Chan.

“I just don’t want to think about it anymore.”

“…Okay. But please don’t let this affect your relationship with us. We want you to be happy. I want you to be happy, okay? I don’t want to look at you down the dinner table looking sad and not participating in the conversations. Your Korean has gotten so good. You’re doing really well. Show it off to us, yeah?” That brought on a little smile. Felix works so hard on his Korean and he hasn’t admitted it yet but he loves when his members praise him for it.

“Yeah.”

“네?”

“네.” Felix began smiling a little more.

“네?!” Chan began tickling to try to get him to laugh.

“네!!” Felix laughed and tried to push him away.

“Ah, okay.” 

 

Felix didn’t really realize it until a few days later that he’s been avoiding his crush which was a bit difficult considering he’s mostly always clinging onto him. Instead he’s been spending more time with Jisung and Seungmin considering they are his roommates. He found himself sitting next to them or Chan more often than not and mostly talking to the others and speaking in his crush’s general direction if he asks him a question. Felix knows this won’t end well but he doesn’t think he can face him eye to eye so he’s trying to make it seem like there’s nothing wrong even though he’s purposely distancing himself from him.

A week after coming out to Chan, Felix was stopped by Chan as they all walked out of the dorm. Chan made Felix walk behind everyone with him so Chan could talk to him – In English of course to ensure that no one could listen in.

“Changbin asked me last night about what happened. He noticed that you’ve been acting strange.”

“What did you tell him?” Felix stopped walking down the steps and stared at him with wide eyes.

“I didn’t out you. Don’t worry. It’s not my place to do that.” Felix let out a sigh of relief. He knows Chan wouldn’t do that but he just has this fear in the back of his mind about his members finding out. “But I had to tell him something. I told him you were a bit homesick.”

“Well, you’re not wrong.”

“Yeah…” They didn’t talk about it anymore the rest of the way down. They all walked together to the JYP building to start dance practice.

Felix didn’t notice a certain person’s eyes trained on him the entire time, watching him as he interacted with everyone except for him. This person’s been racking his brain day and night trying to figure out what he did to Felix to deserve the silent treatment from him. Every time he would ask Felix a question, he would tell him to ask someone else and quickly respond without looking at him and then begin talking to someone else. He was going to get him to talk to him properly one way or another. They can’t debut under this much tension.

The entire practice, he tried to get Felix to help him with the choreo, claiming that he didn’t get it. At first it worked but then he’d tell him to ask Hyunjin or Minho, that they could teach him better. Then he tried to sit next to him when they went out for lunch but Felix kept switching places until he was stuck between two other members. Then he tried to walk next to him when they walked back to the dorms but Felix somehow managed to walk a little faster or slower until it was too awkward for him to keep up. He was about ready to explode. He will try one more time to get Felix to talk to him or else he’s going to confront him. 

Later that night after all of them have showered, most of them went to the living room. Felix was the last one to shower since Chan forced him to do so before he fell asleep. As soon as Felix walked out of the bathroom, he bumped into Changbin.

“Oh, sorry.” Changbin chuckled. “But c’mon. We were waiting for you. We’re watching a movie.” Before Felix could do anything else, Changbin gripped his wrist and brought him over to the living room. “Sit.” He told him as they sat down on the only empty spot on the biggest couch out of the 2 that they had.

“Uh…hold on, I just got out of the shower. I’ll be back.” Changbin tried not to look so disappointed but Felix said he’d be back and the only empty spot is next to him. But when Felix came back, he tried to sit next to Minho on the smaller couch but Minho pushed him away. Then he tried to sit next to Jisung who was next to Minho and at first Jisung didn’t complain until Felix elbowed him in the stomach accidentally.

“Ah! Felix-ah! There’s a big empty spot next to Changbin-hyung. Sit there.” Jisung pushed him off and Changbin saw Felix’s face drop as he stared at the empty spot next to Changbin. Changbin tried not to look so hurt as he patted the spot.

“Uhh…actually, I’m just going to go to sleep.”

“Noooo! We always have movie night on Friday’s.” Jisung pouted.

“Felix, just sit down with us. Come on.” Chan told him in English. Chan knows now what his problem is. He’s known for a while.

“No, it’s okay. I’m kinda tired. Tell me how the movie ends. Good night, everyone.” Felix said waving in their general direction before disappearing into his room. Chan spared a glance at Changbin and he could see the different emotions in his face. First he was confused, then sad, then angry. Nobody said anything as Changbin stood up and stomped over to Felix’s door.

“Yah!” The other members froze. They’ve never seen Changbin mad especially at one of them.

“Do you hate me? What did I do to you? I never thought you’d be this much of an asshole! Why have you been ignoring me?” Nobody could see them now but they could hear Changbin since he left the door open. But in the room, Felix was standing in the middle of it since he was pacing and Changbin was only a few feet away from him.

“What?” Felix spoke softly.

“Don’t act like you don’t know what you’ve been doing!” Every single ounce of frustration that Changbin’s been holding in is coming out full force now.

“I…”

“You what?! Tell me! You at least owe me an explanation!” Changbin tried not to let Felix’s teary eyes deter him from continuing to yell at him.

“It’s just that…um…” Felix’s voice was wavering and he felt a panic attack coming out. He needed Changbin to go away, he needed to not be yelled at, he needed to disappear for a moment.

“Tell me, Felix!” Changbin said in English as if that will make Felix start speaking.

“Please, stop.” Felix lowered his head and focused on trying to steady his breathing.

“Speak up, Felix. I’m not leaving until you tell me why you’ve been treating me like I don’t exist!” 

“Changbin.” Felix barely recognized Chan’s voice as he walked into the room.

“Do you know, Chan? You were with him that night. You have to know something.” Changbin also felt frantic. He just wanted answers.

“Listen. You two need to calm down. We’ll talk about this tomorrow but right now, Changbin, go to your room.”

“No.”

“Changbin, right now. Go.” Chan rarely shows a serious side to him. Neither of them really do but Changbin took one look at Felix who was struggling to catch his breath and decided he should listen. Without another word, Changbin walked out and into his room, slamming the door as he did so.

“Felix?” Chan started as he approached him.

“I told you. He’d hate me. He hates me.” Felix started breathing irregularly as tears flowed down his cheeks.

“He doesn’t hate you, Felix. He’s just confused. Everyone is.”

“Th—they—“ Felix couldn’t form words.

“Okay. Okay, Felix. Listen to me. We can fix this. Okay? No one hates you. We love you, okay? Now, I need you to focus on calming down. Please.” It took him a while, but when Felix finally caught his breath, he was exhausted.

“We’ll settle this tomorrow, all right? Get some sleep. Try not to think about too much.” Chan led Felix to his bed and pulled the covers over him when he laid down. Chan pet his head a few times before turning to leave. He gently closed the door and looked at the rest of his members except for Changbin staring at him with worried looks.

“We’re not talking about this tonight.” He said before walking over to his and Changbin’s room. When he walked in, he saw Changbin pacing back and forth as best as he could in such a small room.

“Changbin,”

“Hyung, you have to understand why I’m so mad right now. Why has he been acting like that towards me? Did I do something? What did he tell you?”

“Changbin, we’ll talk about this tomorrow. And you will not yell at him. Understood?”

“What the hell, Hyung?” Changbin murmured to himself and rubbed at his face.

“Changbin, do you understand?”

“Why have you been doing this to me, too? You know the reason why he’s been ignoring me, right?”

“I have a feeling I do but it’s not my place to say.” Changbin rolled his eyes and went to lay down on his bed.

“You didn’t answer me, Changbin. We will calmly discuss this tomorrow. Okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, fine. Okay.” Changbin waved him away and laid down facing the wall.

 

Even though Chan told him to not think too much about it, Felix couldn’t not think about it. He imagined how things would go the next day. Maybe Changbin gets disgusted of him and force him to leave the group. Maybe he tells the members and then they all hate him and force him to leave the group. Maybe Changbin punches him in the face and force him to leave the group. He couldn’t see a possibility that after tomorrow he would still be wanted in Stray Kids and it kept him up all night. Felix sat up in his bed somewhere around 4 in the morning and stayed sat up staring at nothing for two hours until he decided he should go for a walk before everything turns to shit. He thought he’d have to move back to Australia so he took in every inch of the streets of Seoul, well as much as he could. He walked into the little shops he always goes to, ate the same cookie he always gets, and greeted the store workers he recognized. 

He didn’t get back to the dorms until around 8:30 am. Everyone is surely awake by now. Felix had sat outside of the building for 30 minutes, dreading having to go back up there but eventually he did. When he got to the door, it swung open and he saw Chan dressed in a coat and holding another one in his arm.

“Oh my god, Felix! I was about to go look for you! Where the hell were you?” Although Chan looked angry, he still launched himself onto Felix and hugged him.

“I-“

“Why did you just leave without telling anyone?” Woojin asked him from the entry way.

“Yeah, I woke up and you weren’t there. I even checked the practice rooms. Where were you?” Jisung asked. Felix soaked in their concern for him in case it was the last time he’d get to see them care for him.

“I went for a walk.”

“For an hour and a half?” Chan asked him.

“Two hours…and a half.” Chan sighed and gently pulled him into the dorm.

“You’re not even dressed to go outside, for Christ’s sake.” Chan took in Felix’s sweats, t-shirt, and jacket.

“I felt fine.” He responded as he took off his shoes. He pushed past the boys that were blocking the entry way and walked into the middle of the room. He saw Changbin standing in the doorway of his bedroom. He never looked so small.

“Can we get this over with, please?” Felix said.

“Well, I wanted to talk to you first.” Chan said in English.

“No, let’s just…just start.” Felix walked into the living room and sat at the far end of the couch. Chan eventually waved everyone over and sat next to Felix.

“Do you want to do this in front of everyone or just me and Changbin?”

“Might as well just say it in front of everyone.” At this point, Felix was tired. None of this should have happened the way it did, but he needs to own up to it now.

“What’s going on?” Seungmin broke the awkward silence.

“Uh…Felix has something to say but he’s really nervous about it. He’s scared you guys will hate him.”

“We won’t hate you, Felix.” Jeongin spoke up with a small smile.

“Yeah, we love you. We just want you to be happy.” Jisung backed up.

“You don’t even know what it is.”

“We don’t have to know what it is. We’re brothers, yeah? We won’t hate you.” Jisung said the last part in English. Felix felt like he wanted to cry but he was tired of doing so.

“Um…I…” he looked at Chan for help but Chan just nodded at him. Felix looked at every single member and stopped at Changbin. He was the only one standing up behind the small couch.

“Changbin…I’m sorry for ignoring you. I didn’t really mean to but I realized I was. I just didn’t know what to do.”

“What to do about what?” Changbin responded softly.

“Everyone, what are your opinions on gay people?” Felix just blurted out. He kept his stare on the ground.

“What?” Woojin said. 

“On gay people. What do you think about them?” It was quiet for a moment before Chan decided to break it.

“I think they’re humans just like everyone else and whoever someone chooses to love despite their gender isn’t something to be ashamed about.” Felix gave him a small smile. It was quiet for a moment before Jisung spoke up.

“I had a gay friend in Malaysia. He was really funny. A pen exploded on his mouth ‘cause he was biting on it too much.” That broke the ice a little more.

“I’ve never met someone who was gay but I guess I don’t see what’s wrong with it.” Woojin shrugged.

“I think I’d have a problem if they liked me. I wouldn’t know what to do.” Jeongin said with a bigger grin. Felix looked at everyone lightheartedly talking about the subject but when he looked at Changbin, his stare was still cold and pointed towards Felix. Felix’s smile dropped. Chan noticed and looked at him.

“Changbin. What about you?” If Felix didn’t know any better, he’d say that he thought Changbin looked a bit scared to answer the question.

“What?”

“What do you think about gay people?” Changbin was silent for a moment with everyone’s eyes on him but then he looked angry again.

“Felix, have you been in my room?” It was Felix’s turn to be confused.

“Huh?”

“Did you go through my things?”

“What? No, hyung.” Felix furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

“Why did you ask everyone this question?” Changbin looked ready to run.

“Because…”

“You read my notebook, didn’t you?”

“Notebook? What notebook?”

“I can’t believe you. That’s why you’ve been ignoring me? You used to hug me all the time but then after you read it, you’ve avoided me.”

“I didn’t…”

“Then why have you been acting like that?!” Changbin began walking around the couch and towards Felix. Changbin grabbed Felix but his collar and pulled him up. Even though Changbin was slightly shorter, Felix still felt very intimidated.

“Changbin, Changbin, let him go.” Chan tried to push him off of Felix but his death grip only moved Felix with him.

“What do you think about gay people, huh? Do you have a problem with them, you ignorant—“

“I’m gay!” Felix shouted. Changbin immediately let him go and backed up a bit. Everyone was staring at Felix with wide eyes.

“I am, too.” Changbin whispered. Then everyone including Chan stared at him in surprise. This wasn’t at all how Felix thought it would go. Before anyone could do anything, Changbin pushed past everyone and headed for the door. He quickly grabbed his shoes and ran out before anyone could stop him.

“I’ll…I’ll go talk to him.” Felix put on his shoes and grabbed the coats that Chan left on the floor of the entry way before he went after Changbin. It didn’t take him long to find him. He was sitting on a bench putting his shoes on.

“Changbin hyung…” Changbin whipped his head up and quickly finished tying his shoes before he began walking away as if no one had spoken to him.

“Changbin!” Changbin kept walking but allowed Felix to walk beside him. Just then a strong gust of wind picked up and Changbin shivered. Felix put the coat over Changbin’s shoulders and as much as he didn’t want to, Changbin thanked him quietly and put it on properly.

“I don’t know what notebook you were talking about but I’ve never read it.” Felix kept his gaze on Changbin’s face trying to see if he will believe him. If Changbin hadn’t pulled him closer, Felix would’ve slammed into a pole. They both let out a nervous laugh.

“Yeah. I didn’t think you would but…I mean you avoid me and then you bring up the conversation about gay people. I got scared.” 

“Yeah, I can see why that sounds suspicious.”

“But you know what I’m still wondering?” Felix hummed. “Why did you avoid me?” Felix’s steps stuttered as Changbin stopped walking to face him. Felix moved out from the middle of the sidewalk and then looked at Changbin who was just genuinely confused and…hurt.

“I mean, you didn’t avoid anybody else. You used to always hug me and ask me to kiss you. What happened?” Felix couldn’t help but laugh nervously even though none of this was funny.

“I…I, uh…”

“Do you like me?” Changbin asked him.

“L-like…?”

“Yeah.” Changbin didn’t look angry. Felix would even say he looked kind of…hopeful.

“I don’t know….maybe?” Felix saw the side of Changbin’s mouth turn up. “Do you like me?” Changbin chuckled.

“I don’t know. Maybe?” He mocked Felix. They couldn’t help but laugh at each other.

“So…” Felix said after a while of silence.

“Soooo…”

“I don’t know what to do.” Felix giggled and lifted his hands up.

“Me either. I’ve never had a crush on a guy this strong, you know?”

“Really?” Felix covered his mouth in pleasant surprise.

“Yeah.” Changbin blushed at his own confession. “I guess it started after I kissed you.” Felix giggled again.

“That long?”

“Well, how about you then?” Felix blushed and looked down at his feet.

“When I first saw you rap.” 

“Whaa! And you judge me for liking you for so long!”

“I wasn’t judging!” They laughed. “But yeah. I just thought you were so cool and you rapped so well. I didn’t understand anything but you just looked so cool.” Changbin chuckled.

“So what now?”

“I dunno.” They just awkwardly stood in front of each other, smiling at the other shyly.

“Let’s go on a date.” Changbin finally just said.

“O-okay.” 

“Okay.” They both couldn’t stop smiling at each other. Whoever saw them must have thought they were crazy.

“We should probably go back before they wonder if we’re fighting or something.” Felix suggested.

“I guess.”

“Or should we fight? Let’s trick them.”

“Nooo, I’m not in the mood. I’m hungry.”

“You didn’t eat yet?”

“No! I was too busy worrying about where you were!” Changbin gently shoved him back. Felix put both of his hands over his heart.

“Awwww, you worry about me?”

“Aish, nevermind. I don’t like you anymore. I’ll find another boy.” Changbin said jokingly and went to turn around and walk away but Felix starting wrapping his arms around Changbin’s shoulders and hugged him with a smile like he always used to do. Changbin normally just lets him but this time, he didn’t realize how much he’s been deprived of Felix’s hugs and hugged him back even tighter.

“I really missed you hugging me.” He told Felix.

“I’m sorry.” Looking back at it, Felix feels like an idiot. All this time, he could’ve been like this with Changbin. He could’ve gone on several dates by now with Changbin. He could’ve cuddled with him as they tried to go to sleep at night. 

But at least Felix was hugging his crush who admitted he had a crush on him, too. Life was good.


End file.
